The Gift of Anxiety

Part One: Self-Consciousness

My time with social anxiety was a gift of intense power. Without it I would be numb and likely quite an irritating person.  

I don’t need to explain how it feels to be an anxious little sausage, I was only one of many. So, to summarise; I was being held hostage by my own ego. My nervous system was shot, my mind was on overdrive and I never achieved what I wanted, only that which I feared most.

After a multitude of climactic anxious breakdowns, I sought reason for my self-inflicted weakness. What I discovered in place of reason was a set of skills waiting to be practiced. I am now ever-learning to become allowing of myself and have dismissed most of the residual counterfeit cognitive junk. I can’t thank my past enough for going through that internal hell, as hidden in its very structure were the skills I use to navigate my world today.

The Bastardisation of Self-Consciousness

When I was an impressionable child the word ‘self-consciousness’ (alongside countless misguided definitions) was portrayed as an undesirable trait. It depicted insecurity of self or a consciousness occupied by one’s flaws. Todays’ synonyms of ‘self-conscious’ on dictionary.com: anxious, awkward, sheepish, nervous, embarrassed.

As it’s written, Self-Consciousness is to be conscious of the self. The true nature of the word is neutral until activated by the individual. I associate it with observation; one both observes, and is observed. Without individualised context (interpretation of reality) ‘self-consciousness’ is the stagnant awareness of how one exists in isolation and how one interacts with their world, that is all. How one acknowledges and uses this awareness, if at all, will shape the performance of their personality and therefore their experience. It just so happens that we are accustomed to the distress signals from our self-conscious and we don’t understand the qualities that makes its wheels turn. We become victim to our own minds, rather than appreciating its self-helping potential.

 Shouldn’t self-consciousness be approached enthusiastically? Has this negative connotation impacted people’s interest in observing themselves with honesty?

If we’d integrate its neutral connotation self-consciousness can be the foundation from which self-development (anything outside of existing on autopilot) begins. It can renew our relationship with ourselves and encourage the changes we desperately long for as semi-conscious beings.

Without self-consciousness/ self-awareness we have no guide to evolve, no previous version of ourselves to reflect upon, no mental or emotional mirror to inspect and no internal dialogue. Humanity deficient of self-consciousness would be a chaotic, single-soul-organism, mirroring a colourless experience throughout a flat, unending dimension. I think we are seeing personal symptoms of this in our world today.

Sufferers of social anxiety, naive to their own consciousness are consumed by racing thoughts, over compensating behaviours, rushed miscalculations and a failure to see how they create their experiences. I think this is because it’s easy to believe we are being observed and easy to forget that we too are constantly making observations and calculations. It’s daunting to feel watched in the way that we watch.

If we are taught from a young age to dismiss this form of self-evaluation, our subconscious is free to take lead without conscious participation. The subconscious, we know, is susceptible to multifaceted manipulations from projections, stories and belief patterns when left unsupervised.

How can we fix what we do not know? Or do we already know it?

Self-Consciousness Offers Positive Potential

 After reviewing the falsities of my self-conscious, I saw what I had in common with many people who experience social anxiety; an un-utilised hyper-awareness. An overly critical and perfectionist nature, fizzing over uncontrollable externals, while internal navigation and refinements are awaiting the attention of the occupied consciousness.

It seems to me that the utilisation of self-consciousness draws the line between social anxiety and establishing self-esteem through personality and skill refinement. Those who are hyper self-aware can either use it (knowing) or be consumed by it (unknowing). I strongly believe common cases of social anxiety share an un-utilised extreme self-consciousness. This is the gift!

So, here’s what I finally saw in the foundation of neutral self-consciousness:

Attention to detail

The ability to process thorough readings of body language, energy and surroundings in an efficient manor. A detail oriented lens is a great asset to navigate and improve reality when balanced with compassion for self and others. Acknowledging this trait increased the confirmations of intuition, and clarified my minds process of micro-calculations.

High standards and a craving for depth

Despite the superficial aspects to criticism, I think as humans we all are longing for relationships in which we can be completely natural and ourselves. If what we are seeking is of high standard, it’s easier to see the faults that don’t fit it rather than love the parts that do.

Insourcing vs Outsourcing

Outside observation meant I could ask the real questions; Do I actually like who I am? If there was no external influence over my opinions (friends, media, expectations of family and society) what would be different about me?

I could get more specific;

• Is my sense of expression constructed by me or by others? E.g. how I dress, the music I like, the way I eat, my sense of humour, the amount and type of media I consume etc.

• What am I depriving myself of in order to be perceived a certain way?

• What parts of myself do I hide for fear of being judged?

• Would the child version of myself like who I have become?

• Who in my life would leave me if I chose to improve X,Y,Z?

Acceptance

‘I’m happy being liked for who I am, rather than who I am not’. ‘I’m happy being disliked for who I am, rather than who I am not’. Both perspectives are incredibly rewarding as they are authentic truths.

Responsibility

For that which I create… everything.

An Encouragement to Try

Everything we require is already within us, tucked away under layers of criticisms, fears and expectations. Imagine taking the intense detail-oriented radar of our insecurities and refocusing it toward navigation and self-betterment. We deserve to recognise and forgive ourselves for the abilities we’ve abused and bastardised. We deserve our own compassion for being too quick to judge ourselves. We deserve the final say of our standards, expressions and experiences. We deserve to live for ourselves, rather than how we are perceived. The world deserves to have our perfectly imperfect naturality bestowed into its societies.

I feel a strong faith in those who struggle with an anxious, sleeping consciousness. With the concerning rise of a mental health epidemic and “no strong evidence to suggest” that social media has something to do with it, I can only hope that these wonderful people discover the natural skills within their critical nature.

Be free of reliving past mistakes. Observe, evaluate, understand, forgive and transmute.